Helping your children grow in maturity through discipline...

"I wish that all fathers of households stand forth and practice their role. They will use the rod and not permit their children to go astray. Firmness is needed in your world that is filled with laxity, permissiveness, and degradation.
     "Your children have been misled by many who shall answer to the Father. As teachers they have failed in their role. Therefore, as parents you must succeed in yours.” - St. Joseph, March 18, 1973

The following excepts are taken from Child Training Tips: What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young, by Reb Bradley:

What is maturity?

     Based on a broad study of the Old Testament and the concentrated study of Proverbs, it is clear that maturity is characterized by 3 elements: self-control, wisdom, and responsibility, which can be defined as follows:

• Self-control: not being ruled by passions, emotions, desires, wishes, or curiosity; freedom from having to do what one feels like doing; the ability to choose and do what is right; fosters the selflessness necessary to love others.
• Wisdom: understanding; insight; ability to learn from experience; ability to make sound decisions; handling stressful problems with a level head; possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled).
• Responsibility: accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions, as well as faithful and conscientious work habits; such integrity and reliability are possible only when not ruled by passions (self-controlled).

How is maturity developed?

     Maturity is rooted primarily in self-control which, in turn, facilitates growth in wisdom and responsibility.  The most basic objective of training children, therefore, is the subduing of their self-will.  From the time children are born, parents must develop in them the ability to say “NO” to their own desires and “YES” to their parents.  That is why parental control of young children is imperative.  A child who learns to deny his own desires and submit to his parent’s controls, gains inner controls.  Children are born into the world self-centered, and so must be trained from infancy that the world does not revolve around them.  They must learn that life will not always give them their way.

     The child whose will is never subdued when young, comes to believe that he should have what he wants, when he wants it, and should not have to endure anything he does not like.  He will grow older thinking he is being deprived whenever he does not get what he wants from life, and by his teen years he will become preoccupied with his “rights” and know little of personal responsibility.  The indulged child is frequently angry because he does not get what he thinks is owed him. Ultimately, he will develop a “victim” mentality—nothing is ever his fault—someone else is always to blame for his misery.

     Some parents believe that maturity is an inevitable part of growing up and will happen naturally to all children, whether trained or not. Proper rearing of children, in their view, requires only that a parent love them, take them to church, and try to give them a happy childhood.  To them, maturity is a guaranteed byproduct of getting older, so they do little to help the process, and without realizing it—much to hurt it.  All children, unless calamity occurs, will grow older, but only those groomed toward maturity will attain it.  Hence, as parents, we must work diligently to help our children develop the qualities leading to maturity.

What characterizes immaturity?

     To further clarify the definition of maturity, we must understand immaturity.  The child whose will is not subdued in the first few years of life is hampered in the maturing process.  No matter how old he gets, a strong self-will ruled by the craving for self-indulgence will be the mark of his immaturity.  Sadly, this self-indulgence characterizes most children today—even in Christian families.  As caring parents it is especially important for us to identify and eliminate that in our child-rearing which feeds the will and fosters self-indulgence in our children.

What are the signs of immaturity and self-indulgence?

     Self-indulgence is the drive which demands the satisfaction of one’s wants and desires.  Consider the following symptom list.  Do these symptoms generally characterize your children?

They are indulged if they lack self control

• Self-indulgence people rarely say “NO” to themselves.
• They have a difficult time doing in moderation anything which gratifies; they frequently over do it.
• They do whatever they feel like, or are so used to having their way they think they should have whatever they want.
• The satisfaction of their own will is foremost in their life—others are considered second, if at all.

They are indulged if they are self-absorbed

• Self-centeredness so rules self-indulgent people that they live as if the world revolved around them—life is interpreted by how it affects them.
• Whenever the self-centered child approaches his parents with a question (which may be frequent), it usually involves something he wants for himself. He has few sincere questions regarding the well-being of others.
• One who is self-consumed, pushes and lobbies parents constantly to get what is wanted; persists even after being refused.
• May think of others, but only after satisfying themselves.
• Insists on his “rights” to personal decisions and “living his own life.”
• Think they deserve everything that is given to them, and are unappreciative despite the feelings of others; not easily satisfied.
• They are seldom happy; complain and whine a majority of the time; often discontent.
• Complain about food or any gift set before them.
• They are preoccupied with fun and self-gratification.
• Expect for life to be exciting; demand entertainment; frequently bored.
• Expect to have their own way; express blatant irritation when desires are thwarted.
• Impatient; demand others’ immediate attention.

They are indulged if they lack wisdom

• Their desire for gratification rules them, affecting all of their decisions and actions; they are impulsive and lack discretion.
• They consistently squander money (or save it with the intent of spending it on themselves).
• They do not learn from their mistakes; they repeatedly get into trouble for the same offense.
• They cannot be left alone and trusted to make wise choices.
• In response to attacks and offenses from younger siblings, they retaliate as if they were small children themselves.
• When confronted by problems, they foolishly “bury their heads in the sand” and pretend the problem will go away.

They are indulged if they are irresponsible

• When they sin, they habitually deny their responsibility.
• Nothing is ever their fault.  They are always a victim of others’ failures. Someone or something else is to blame.
• When they get caught for breaking the rules, they do not see their penalty as a consequence of their choices, but hold responsible the one who caught them or turned them in.
• Even their anger is someone else’s fault.
• They resent work or anything that requires self-discipline.
• They are lazy; they habitually play during chore time, and look for ways to get out of work.
• They despise opportunities to serve others, particularly their siblings.
• They thought of serving others rarely crosses their mind.
• In response to assigned chores—role their eyes; complain; disappear—before, during and after task; do as little as possible.
• After completion of assigned tasks, refuse to ask, “Is there anything more I can do?”

     Some parents read a list like this and respond with excitement—their children are on the right path!  Others, however, respond with discouragement—they thought their children were heading in a good direction, but now realize they are off course. Parents, do not despair!  Thank the Lord for the timely course correction. Yes, there is work to be done, but effort invested into developing maturity is never wasted.

Using the goal of maturity as a basis for parental decisions

     To restate our premise—a proper understanding of maturity and immaturity is foundational to effective parenting, for without a clear understanding of the goals of parenting we have no frame of reference for parental decisions.  To evaluate our parenting decisions we need simply determine: What will this activity, organization, or relationship, foster within our children—maturity or immaturity?  It is really that simple.

     The problem is that as modern American parents we have come to believe the misnomer that children will eventually reach maturity by themselves, and little input from us is needed.  Rather than making maturity our primary goal for them, we mistakenly substitute as a goal a happy and fulfilling childhood. Consequently, from the time our children are born, we feed their desire for self-indulgence and accidentally keep them immature.  By the time they reach their teen years they are just like the other “normal” self-involved teenagers whose parents also made a fun childhood their chief goal.  Since so many American parents indulge their children, America is filled with immature, gratification-oriented teenagers.  National researchers and experts, not realizing that teenage rebellion and self-absorption is a phenomena of this century, and unique to only a few affluent nations like ours, have concluded such behavior is a natural and temporary phase of growing up.  Parents expect it and accept it.  Most teens do grow up, but sadly, too few become mature.

     Although most of us as parents love our children, our commitment to their happiness harms them.  Indulged children are unprepared for adulthood.  They have been sent the message that their personal happiness is of supreme importance, so they grow up thinking it is owed them.  They ultimately lack the self-discipline necessary for successful employment, and their self-centeredness will cause strife in their marriages.  Then when their marriages fail, they will not consider it their fault—they will be innocent “victims” of their spouse’s shortcomings. From the time they are young, our children must learn that life is not about fun and entertainment, nor is it about personal happiness and self-gratification. It is about responsibility and serving others.  It is finding joy in honoring God and loving our neighbors.

What has life taught us?

     Those of us who have lived at least 25 years have learned that life is hard—things don’t always go our way—we don’t always get what we want in life.  Our children must be prepared in their youth for the challenges they will find in life.  They must learn that they cannot have everything they want, and that they can endure well with less than they hoped for.  To mature properly, children must learn while they are still toddlers to obey their parents quickly and without resistance, and to endure hard situations humbly.  With their parents’ help, they can learn as early as possible to die to themselves, preparing them to live for Christ.  Otherwise, as teenagers, they will remain self-consumed, rebellious, and far from God.  May we as parents be faithful to do what is right.

How to know it is time to chastise

     Any child who knowingly or willfully disobeys is in rebellion and needs chastisement.

     Keep in mind that it is not the significant effect of the rebellious action that merits the rod--it is the rebellion itself, i.e., it is not that they woke the baby up when they went into the off-limits room--it is the fact that they entered it in direct disobedience to your word.  It is not the fact that they only took a crumb of cake after they were told not to touch it--it is that they intentionally disobeyed you.

CAUTION: Beware of trying to cure rebellion with "creative alternatives."  Any alternative to chastisement is an alternative to Scripture--God offers no better solutions to subduing rebellion outside the Bible.

How to identify rebellion

A rebellious child is one…

• whose actions or attitude are in direct defiance of parental authority
• who asserts his will against the will of his parents
• who resists his parents’ efforts to direct his life

Rebellion is manifested either actively or passively.

Active rebellion

1. Knowingly disobeying—Active Rebellion

• Willful, conscious disobedience to commands or established rules.
• Examples: “Come here, Junior,” and he doesn’t budge. “Stay in bed, Mary!” and she gets up. “Don’t wear that, Terry!” and she wears it.

2. Defiant verbal resistance—Active Rebellion

• Any form of sass or back-talk.
• Intentions to disobey are announced by saying, “No!” Some offer a more blatantly disrespectful phrase of defiance, such as, “Drop dead,” “Forget you,” Get a life,” or “Whatever,” etc.
• Will not accept parents’ authority to make a decision. Refuses to take “No” for an answer.
• After receiving parents’ decision, voices opinions relentlessly, even after instructed that the discussion is over.
• Fostered by parents who cave in to verbal resistance.

3. Hitting parents—Active Rebellion

• Free vent is given to anger. Toddlers may slap, bite, or kick; older children may spit; teens may use their size and strength and cause serious injury.

4. Throwing temper tantrums—Active Rebellion

• Pitching a fit because their will has been thwarted.
• Toddlers may hold their breath, go stiff, go limp, cry uncontrollably, or fall down and pound their fists on the floor.
• Any age children may stomp their feet, scream, yell, throw or hit things, stare and glare, slam doors, etc.

5. Ignoring instructions—Active Rebellion

• After receiving parental instruction they continue to do as they please, as if they had never been spoken to.
• When receiving a tap under the table or a “look” from their parent which obviously says, “Knock it off,” they look away or pretend they received no communication (Parents blind to this form of rebellion will allow a child to not answer, perhaps even excusing their misbehavior as fatigue or mood.)

6. Resisting a parent-initiated action—Active Rebellion

• A parent chooses to initiate an action requiring their child’s involvement, but the child refuses to cooperate.
• The child moves their shoulder away when a parent reaches out to touch or embrace him.
• Walking along, a parent reaches down and takes their child’s hand and the child attempts to pull it away, perhaps continuing to tug until the parent lets go. (If the child is in pain because the blood in their hand has drained to their shoulder, and gangrene is setting in, they should be able to respectfully ask to have their hand back.)
• After being placed on their parent’s lap, they attempt to get off. They should be permitted to respectfully ask to get down, but only after the parent is satisfied that they are willing to remain.
• While being held in their parent’s arms a toddler struggles to get down.
• Goes limp or runs away when being ushered down the street.
• You reach for something in their hand and they hold onto it or pull it away. (They must be made to place the object in your hand. Do not grab or force from them something, unless it is a dangerous item, i.e.: knife, match, power tool, razor, etc.)
• After being placed in the highchair, a toddler arches his back and strains again the seat belt.
• Undoes something a parent has done, i.e., turns the stereo volume back up after the parent has turned it down; turns a light back on after the parent has turned it off; retrieves something after parent has put it away.

Passive rebellion

     Rebellion which is passive in expression tends to be less conscious and premeditated than active rebellion. It is more of a rebellious reaction than a planned action. Those passively rebellious are often unaware of their defiance, requiring parents to work harder to expose to them their rebellion.

1. Consistent forgetfulness—Passive Rebellion

• Common to children is occasional forgetfulness. Consistent forgetfulness, however, is a form of rebellion.
• When they can remember to set their alarm and dress themselves for soccer practice, but habitually forget to take out the garbage, they are demonstrating they can be capable when they choose to be.  They just need greater motivation.
• Remembers the entire prime time TV schedule, or never misses their favorite radio show, but always forgets to do their homework or make their bed.
• They remember all that is important to them.

2. External obedience with a bad attitude—Passive Rebellion

• Obeys outwardly, but sends a defiant message: sulking, grumbling, whining, pouting, angry door slamming, glaring, silence, rough treatment of others or objects, etc.
• They will obey, because they have to, but they will make you miserable.
• They cooperate with your directions, but talk, complain, or whine about it the entire time.

3. Obeying only on own terms—Passive Rebellion

• Does not come exactly when called; walks softly.
• Postpones obedience to show who’s boss.
• Does just one more after being told to stop.
• Dictates to parent when they will obey: “I’m getting a drink first,” or “I’ll be there in a minute.”

4. Doing what is required, but not how it should be done—Passive Rebellion

• Does chores, but not by parents’ established standards, i.e., dishes are not quite clean, bed is not made properly, bedroom is not ordered as required.
• You direct them to sit in their high chair and they squat.
• Parents foster rebellion when they decide that rather than fight them, they will settle for partial obedience.

5. Walking away while being spoken to—Passive Rebellion

• Leaves the room while parent is in mid-sentence or during a pause between sentences.
• Keeps inching his way to the door before he’s been dismissed. (Considered passive rebellion, because children are often unaware they are doing this.)

6. Lying to escape discipline—Passive Rebellion

• Premeditated lying is active rebellion, but reactively lying to escape discipline may be so unconsciously done that it qualifies as passive.
• Many parents just expect their children to lie to get out of trouble, so neglect to chastise for it. It is important to chastise extra for this form of rebellion.

7. Violating unspoken, but understood rules—Passive Rebellion

• Although some rules are never spelled out, and some behaviors are never specifically prohibited, our children still know better. They intentionally disregard what they know will please you. What gives them away when they are caught, is behavior which suggests a violated conscience.
• They must do some justifying in their minds, i.e., Johnny takes Dad’s power tool out of the garage to show his friends, knowing it would displease his parents, but justifies it to himself, saying, “Dad lets me use it sometimes.” Yet, he jumps and hides the tool when Mom walks up to them.
• Some children grant themselves permission to change an established house rule, because on one occasion their dad saw them violating it, but did not say anything. Their dad’s inattention to what they were doing did not mean the rule had changed, and they know that, but they conveniently took his silence as permission.
• The toddler who is caught in the bathroom unrolling the toilet paper, may not have been specifically forbidden to unroll the tissue, but the tears he sheds, and the haste with which he continues his deed as he sees his mother approaching, verify that he knows he is doing wrong.

Responding to rebellion with threats: the danger of only threatening to spank

     Children must learn early on that it is the authority of a parent’s word which they must heed and that spankings will always be merited by willful defiance of that word.  The parent who makes that clear to a young child and then proceeds throughout their childhood to regularly warn of each impending spank, accidentally sends the message that their word is not to be taken seriously.  Their warnings may succeed in curtailing immediate misbehavior, but their child will learn to disrespect their word—and them.

     Parents usually offer these warnings because they hope to correct rebellion without resorting to spanking. However, the child who is asserting his will against his parents, is already in need of chastisement. The constant threats and reminders of impending spanks are blatant efforts to persuade a child to cease from misbehavior, and will not subdue the will.

THE CLEAR RULE.  Tell a child a few times early in his life that he must be absolutely obedient to your word.  After that, he must be held accountable to abide by all parental commands and should expect the pre-established consequences for violations, without further warnings.

"Humanism in your world has been created by satan. You will bring back the adages of old of: Spare the rod, and you will spoil the child. Discipline must be returned to the homes." - St. Joachim, July 25, 1973

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Our Lady of the Roses’ Awesome Bayside Prophecies...  https://www.tldm.org/Bayside/
These prophecies came from Jesus, Mary, and the saints to Veronica Lueken at Bayside, NY, from 1968 to 1995:

PSYCHOLOGISTS/PSYCHIATRISTS RATIONALIZING SIN
"Much, My children, you must accept in faith.  Scientists of your world and your psychologists and psychiatrists rationalize everything, until sin is accepted as a way of life--scientists who are ever searching but never coming to the truth!  The supernatural cannot be rejected, because if you reject the supernatural, you do not have the armor to fight it.  It is a crafty plan of satan to make himself unknown, so that he may go among you, and destroying like a ravenous wolf.” – Our Lady, December 7, 1977

KEEPERS OF THEIR SOULS
"My children, you will keep a firm foundation of faith in the hearts of your children. You cannot expect others to do this fatherly and motherly obligation. You as mothers and fathers are the keepers for the souls of your children, and as such you are held accountable in the eyes of all Heaven for the fall of your children's souls. You will also as parents battle satan as he seeks to destroy your families. It will be father against son and mother against daughter, division in the homes, as satan becomes stronger in his conquest.” – Our Lady, April 1, 1978

MAJOR MARTYRS
“My children, do not allow the enemies to take from you the knowledge of the existence of Heaven, hell, and purgatory. Your children are the major, now, the major martyrs--and I say martyrs. Be it not for the laxity of the parents, the schools, and many in My Son's Church, many of you parents would not be shedding this evening tears of remorse and grief at the loss of your children, knowing not whether they have been saved or lost forever. I say unto you, from the merciful heart of your Mother: Cry not, mother. The Eternal Father is most pitiful upon you. He has opened His heart to many of your children, not judging them by false leaders." – Our Lady, November 25, 1978

READ BIBLE TO CHILDREN
“You will all keep a constant vigilance of prayer going throughout your country and the world. I admonish all parents now to spend at least fifteen minutes of your day reading the Bible to your children and your family. It is now a command from the Eternal Father! For the little children no longer know or recognize the angel guardians. The little children have no conception of the truth of the Divinity or the existence of My Son. The little children are now being taught the ways of satan.” – Our Lady, November 21, 1977

FIRM FOUNDATION OF FAITH
“My children, you will keep a firm foundation of faith in the hearts of your children.  You cannot expect others to do this fatherly and motherly obligation.  You as mothers and fathers are the keepers for the souls of your children, and as such you are held accountable in the eyes of all Heaven for the fall of your children’s souls.  You will also as parents battle satan as he seeks to destroy your families.” – Our Lady, April 1, 1978

PROGRAMMED TO KILL
“Your children are being programmed to kill! Your children will be unrecognizable if you as parents do not act to stop this evil!
     “Satan has an advantage, My children. He has convinced many that he is not there or around or even exists. He has convinced many that he is a myth. How clever he has been in his operation, My children!” – Our Lady, December 31, 1977

ENCOURAGED BY SCHOOLS, TEACHERS
"Children will continue to rise up against their parents, being encouraged by their schools, their teachers, their news medis, and all the medias that have been well planned to seduce the souls of your children." – Jesus, July 25, 1979

LEFT TO WANDER
“There must be a constant vigilance within the homes. Parents must not be caught up in the cares of their worldly living, in their pursuit of pleasure and entertainment, and leave their children to wander, undisciplined, unguided, and falling into sin and the loss of their souls." – Our Lady, September 7, 1976

SUPERVISE TEACHING
"Parents must have firm discipline in the home. Parents must supervise the teaching of their children." – Our Lady, August 5, 1977

VICTIMS OF YOUR LAXITY
“My children, your children, parents, are the victims now of your laxity. They are the victims of their elders. All foul manner of acts are being taught them in their schools, in their secret societies. And why? Because you as parents are too lax in your duty. You flitter to and fro looking for pleasures and gathering the materials of your world. And for what? For I shall soon make them as naught, nothing." – Our Lady, November 1, 1977

Directives from Heaven...  https://www.tldm.org/directives/directives.htm

D16 - Role of Parents PDF
D138 - Permissiveness PDF
D167 - The Family - Part 1 PDF
D168 - The Family - Part 2 PDF
D235 - Disciplining Children PDF
D248 - Man's Authority PDF
D249 - Fathers PDF
D250 - Mothers PDF

Articles...

Spare the rod, spoil the child
https://www.tldm.org/news6/child.discipline.htm

Dr. Laura advises parents to use "swift and terrible" correction for defiant children
https://www.tldm.org/news7/DrLaura2.htm

The dangers of Ritalin
https://www.tldm.org/news6/ritalin.htm

Are you an "escapist" parent?
https://www.tldm.org/news6/parents1.htm

A major source of today's parenting problems is the psychologizing of our culture
https://www.tldm.org/news6/children2.htm

Links...

The war on fathers, WorldNetDaily, October 10, 2006
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=52314

Research shows that fatherhood really matters, Tallahassee.com, April 20, 2002
http://www.tallahassee.com/mld/tallahassee/news/opinion/3100697.htm

Air-brushing dads out of the picture, Carey Roberts, June 8, 2004
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/roberts/040608

Yes, fathers are essential, Carey Roberts, July 15, 2004
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/roberts/040615

Turning men into milquetoasts, Chuck Baldwin, April 5, 2005
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/baldwin/050405

Your names have been written in Heaven… "It is not by accident that you are called by My Mother, for your names have been written in Heaven.... But with this great grace you have great responsibility to send this Message from Heaven throughout the world, for if you are able to recover just one more for Heaven, an additional star shall be placed in your crown." - Jesus, August 5, 1975

A great obligation to go forward... "It is not by accident that you are called by My Mother, for it is by merit and the prayers that have risen to Heaven for your salvation.  For those who have received the grace to hear the Message from Heaven, you have a great obligation to go forward and bring this Message to your brothers and sisters.  Do not expect a rest upon your earth, for you will have eternal rest very soon." - Jesus, June 12, 1976

The sin of omission...  "The sin of omission shall condemn many to hell, be they layman or Hierarchy.  I repeat:  not the sin of commission, but the sin of omission will commit many to hell."  Our Lady of the Roses,  October 6, 1980

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